Relationship 2.0
User warning: Long posting ahead!
I haven’t been talking about my relationship that often in my blog, much because it’s a very private issue concerning not only me but also because sometimes in a long-distance relationship it feels a bit of a distant issue even for myself. Now I thought, however, that for the purpose of clarifying my own thoughts and maybe sharing with others in a similar situation (now or in the future), I could analyze the situation a bit. At this very moment my better half would say that relationship is not meant for analyzing but for living, and I completely agree. I give it a shot anyways, stubborn as I am.
Monogamy is a choice
We had a very good discussion about monogamy when I was in Vienna with Paula. We came into a conclusion that monogamy is a choice: You choose to be “a one woman guy” no matter what. Or you can choose otherwise. I know a few people who are in so-called open relationships where it’s ok to meet other people or even have sex with them when you are physically apart from each other. And I know a guy who is in favor of that openness but has been living under an impression that he has to stick with one woman only, more because of it being a social norm, not his own thinking. According to my thinking we cannot judge people who are not acting as the prevailing social norm expects. Even less we can judge cultures where the social norm is something different from ours.
Personally I have made a choice to go with the monogamy and see where it takes me. So far, so good… Actually, a friend of mine asked if I think it’s a wise choice and I asked him to come back at me with the same question when I’m lying on my death bed. I believe that making short-term sacrifices for the long-term bliss is a good choice, no matter how grueling the short-term frustration would be. If you think you are with the right person then it might be worth checking what lies at the end of the rainbow. Still, bear in mind that most likely the treasure is the path you’ve taken.
Testing your market value
I don’t know if girls do it but I’ve seen and heard many guys practicing what they call “testing your market value”. I admit: I do it sometimes. In essence it means that though you are in a relationship – or maybe exactly because of that – you once in a while want to see if other girls are still interested in you. It doesn’t mean cheating or even intention of it. It can be plainly being alert if someone is throwing a flirt at you and then responding to it. It’s innocent, it’s fun and it makes you feel good.
Most likely the phenomenon of testing your market value derives from one or both of the two reasons: Either you are taking her for granted or she is taking you for granted.
Once you are in a long-term relationship you don’t have to take care of yourself that much. You have impressed the girl and the initial crush is over; she accepts you as who you are. So, the guys figure out that now you can eat and drink what you want without having to mind the slowly but surely developing beer belly. Or that little impoliteness is allowed, like farting or burping in front of her. So, at some point you notice that you have become something else that you portrayed in the beginning of the relationship (unless you’ve been a beer-bellied fart/burp machine from the scratch). You start what wise men would call meta-cognition and wonder if this guy is still “hot stuff at the market place”.
So, what if she is taking you for granted? Now many of the guys reading this are like “No way! How could she do that! I’m her one and only. She loves me so much.” Just look at your beer belly (or whatever other “faults” you might have that was not evident in the beginning of the relationship). Yes it can be also her who starts taking you for granted. In many relationships the relationship itself becomes a commodity. “It was there yesterday, why it wouldn’t be there tomorrow?” Well, the brutal fact of reality is that you can lose that relationship as easily as you got it, if you don’t work for it.
Think of the relationship as a cute stray dog. It comes to you when you least expect it and charms you with its innocent look. You give it something to eat and it’s very pleased. Tomorrow the same dog comes to you and again you take care of it. Next day you stay overnight at your friends place without knowing anything’s wrong at home. But the stray dog is there waiting for you without anything to eat. Patiently he waits you the next day when you come home and wags its tail happy to see you. You smile at it, waltz in and close the door behind you without realizing that the dog is waiting for you to give it some attention and food. Finally the next day you remember the dog and you decide to bring it a cookie from your office. But once you come home it’s not there anymore. It has gone away disappointed. It's gone away to see if anyone else cares about it… Now forget about the metaphor, it was stupid anyways. My point was that you might test your market value because you feel a bit left out or you are doing it unconsciously because the relationship feels that distant.
Distance and proximity
I believe distance is not subject to space between two parties as such. Imagine a snail that loves to be at home: Would it move anywhere in its life? Another stupid metaphor… Last year I got to know a very nice person whose distance with his wife was pretty much the same as in my and my girlfriend’s case. For him, she was always close. No matter how ironically he spoke I realized many times how much he appreciated and loved his wife. Then again, they had something that we don’t: a possibility to meet every second week. She would fly down to Colombo for a weekend or he would go back home just to be with his family. Since they were better off they could afford physically seeing each other more often. That led also to a certain kind of emotional proximity though they were living separately at two different sides of the world.
I also believe that proximity is a highly individual need: Some people appreciate it more whereas some just love to be by themselves. I have the both sides but in the end I grave for proximity a lot. Moreover, if proximity is a need as such, its amount or lack there of is not only dependent on your relationship but proximity with other people adds up to the “quota” also. For example in my case, I used to be very close with my best friends also physically (in AIESEC I became “a hugger”) but here it’s not the case. Here there’s hardly anyone to be close to and that makes me miss my one and only even more.
Luckily the emotional proximity is not tied in place and time, though physical proximity can increase it a lot. Actually emotional proximity is much alleviated by the good memories you have. And thus if you have a lot of good common memories it’s easier for you to wait and get even more of them. This thinking is derived from Stephen Covey’s emotional bank account theory. (Again my better half would say if we could just forget about theories and concentrate on us, but stubborn as I am...) According to that theory you make deposits on your emotional bank account by caring for your relationship and carrying out good deeds for the significant other. Later when making deposits is not possible or it becomes harder you can withdraw from your account and still have a good relationship. I.e. you keep bringing those biscuits for the dog long enough and it doesn’t mind if you stay one week in your friend’s place, it’s still there waiting for you.
Sequential life
Many people have asked me if I’m crazy coming to Sri Lanka for 1.5 years. Maybe I am. Even I have doubted a couple of times if it was that a good choice, but then I’m going back to my motives and realize it’s the best choice I ever made. And in retrospect 1.5 years is a nick of time. Anyway, while you are living that period in your life it might feel overwhelmingly long. A good way to “shorten” the time is to chop it down in smaller pieces, i.e. always have something to look for in 3-6 months time. In this case that something would be seeing each other with your girlfriend. When you expect something great to happen in a few months time it takes your focus away from the overall period of time. I’m just guessing but maybe some prisoners have used this method also, to make their sentence easier. For sure the companies are using it for their own benefit. Think of Nokia who is never talking anything about their current products, but keep ranting loudly about the new models coming up in half a year’s time. Or think of a publishing house that announces in the cover of a book “National bestseller – Over 400.000 copies in print” (Peter Senge: Fifth Discipline – Paperback edition). That is called expectations management in business, but I believe we can positively apply it in our own lives also.
Common future
So, of course it takes a bit of patience and sacrificing certain pleasures in your life on a short-term if you want to build and maintain a strong basis for a long-term relationship. But being apart is a good test for the strength of the relationship and a good foundation to make future mishaps and rainy days appear less intimidating. Now the key is how to find a balance between enjoying your experience and leading your own life whilst planning and preparing for common future. How to balance with your own aspirations and common dreams? We haven’t found that balance yet: the future looks uncertain because we both are changing and the 1.5 years of being apart might prolong as soon as one of us decides to go somewhere far away again. Still, I believe we have all the tools and ingredients to bake a tasty common cake, and eat it too.
Right now I'm a very happy man. I've had an opportunity to seek deeply within what this relationship means for me. I assure you, it's even better than before. It's relationship 2.0.
posted by Tomi Astikainen @ Saturday, May 19, 2007
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